Down the hall and to the right.

I’ve been living a lie. I don’t know what’s come over me. I don’t know what to do with myself now. I don’t want to be a god, I don’t want to be Captain Euchre, I don’t want to be that insane Frenchman. I’m tired of the constant blackouts, and the split personality, and being crazy, but I’ve come to realize that, if I take away the crazy. . . That’s pretty much all I am.

I’m trying out sanity, for a change. It’s strange, how the entire world seems different when you’re sane. It’s actually kinda boring.

Things that suck when you’re lucid:
-Living in a junk room with no bathroom. I don’t even know what this room is for. I think it’s a boiler room or something. I’ve been sleeping on a pile of shredded paper in the corner. I have no shower, no bathroom, and no kitchen. I’m practically a hobo with a webcam.

-Wearing a tinfoil hat. Okay, first, I don’t even know what I was thinking. Tinfoil is a conductor, so it would actually make any mind-control even worse. It doesn’t breathe, so my head is constantly sweating, which makes it itchy. It makes that crinkly sound every time I move. What the hell was I thinking?

-Blacking out. Hasn’t been happening as much lately, but there’s nothing fun about suddenly ending up somewhere else and having to account for missing time (and having to figure out where the hell you are and trying to get home). It’s like being in college during frosh week (I assume, because I can’t actually remember attending a college or experiencing frosh week. Which may mean something).

-Unexpected Emails from “Sucker.” I mean, the penis enlarging Nigerian prince telling me to download Adobe is annoying enough. I don’t know who or what Sucker is, though I do know that I’ve been following his (her? its?) orders for as long as I can remember, even though I don’t know why! Clearly, I am (or was) some sort of pawn in Sucker’s game, but how does that relate to my blackouts? Am I Sucker’s pawn when I’m being mind-controlled, and free now, or am I Sucker’s pawn now, with my blackouts being moments of freedom? And Nigeria is a constitutional republic anyway, so who the hell is this so-called “prince?” Is he planning a coup?

-Being a religious figure. The work, the planning, the bureaucracy, the ridiculous clothes, the angry tirades from insane cultists who think they know your teachings better than you do –who in their right mind would want to deal with that? This must be why God doesn’t talk to us anymore.

-Michael Bay movies. Seriously! What the fuck?!