Boom and greetings, my followers.

If you have been following my videos, you know that I have revealed myself to be a god.

As an addendum –or Goddendum– to my previous gospel teachings, I have decided that all hats that are not made of tinfoil and worn by a god who is me are profane and must be destroyed. Especially the cutesy little ones with a flashing red mind-control light. Hats corrupt the people who wear them and force them to do terrible, unspeakable things. Things like eating poutine, or calling unnecessary press conferences that interrupt your favourite show.

Hats Without Men

In the world of hats, there are none more distinctive and horrible than those worn by DEVO. Look at them! I can’t understand them: are they traffic cones? Representations of unholy ziggurats?! The head of the robot from The Black Hole?!? See how they have corrupted the people who wear them, who claim to not even be Men anymore?

But I’m getting ahead of myself: after realizing that I am a god (who hates hats), I needed to learn more. So, like any self-respecting god, I turned to the All-Knowing, All-Seeing Well of Omniscience.

Google tells me that tonight, “Cults” will appear at Dundas Square in Toronto. This is important to me, seeing that I am now a god and thus require worshippers. Surely, one of these cults must be in the market for new leadership. Coming after these cults will be “Men Without Hats.” This is excellent, for it was only in casting off the mind-controlling Hat of Le Gros Chapeau that I was able to truly understand my god-like godness.

But then –terror of terrors– these Men without Hats will be followed by none other than DEVO themselves! Surely, this is a call to arms! Surely the hatless cultists of Evil Trojan Borscht are called to put an end to the tyrannical rule of DEVO! We will go outside, and we will whip them, and then we will dance, if we want to!