Even though I’m struggling with the recent revelation that I have a split personality who seems to have a fondness for Jerry Lewis, I thought that I needed something to take my (Should I say ‘our’?) mind of it for a few, lucid, un-mind-controlly moments.

Well, “Operation: Lure Fantabulous Gal Into My Web Of Villainy And Awesomeness” hasn’t been going so well. Maybe shortening the name would help? But never fear, minions, when you’ve been plotting world domination as long as I have, you get used to a few setbacks.  Resilience-face!

The puppy plan turned out to be a giant fail.  Oh, it did make the news and I hear Fantabulous Gal saw it.  Or rather, it was on in the background at a house she was cleaning.  But apparently when you spell “FANTABULOUS GAL, WILL YOU BE MINE? FROM EVIL TROJAN BORSCHT! LOVEY-DOVEYFACE!” on a bunch of hyper puppies that run around and get themselves mixed up, it ends up spelling something pretty filthy.  Puppies are good at anagrams – who knew?  Still, you gotta admire how they thwarted my plans.  Those little mutts will make great villains someday.

ANYWAY, I decided I needed to be a little more obvious in my pursuit of that beautiful blonde-haired superhero.  And what says “obvious” better than a hinty, almost anonymous gift?  I’m giving her the gift of… borscht.

This is what love tastes like...

Now I want to offer my devoted readers/aspiring villains a tip, since I know you are so impressed with my ingenious idea that you will soon be sending canned goods to your own special someone too.  After all, that’s how Popeye got Olive Oyl.  You think Popeye wasn’t really an evil super villain?  Ha! Ha, ha!  How little you know! Here’s the tip:

Shop around.

Finding a good courier is… well, it’s actually harder than world domination.  The first guy slammed the phone receiver in my ear when I said I wanted him to deliver a can of soup.  Ear-ache Face.  The second guy didn’t know what borscht was (kids today!) and was going to call the cops on me.  I think he thought “borscht” was code for human trafficking or something. The joke’s on him, I already have a courier company for that task.

The third company said they would do it, but it would cost me $792 and the package would be detoured through Thailand and Antarctica before being delivered eight months later.  I know canned goods have a long shelf life, but that seems a bit much, no?  It would totally ruin my plans to have a “third date” with Fantabulous Gal by the end of the week. But in our case, what with all the mind controlly stuff going on, I’m going to propose we skip dates one and two. That was always Barry’s move.

So black out, black out… yadda yadda yadda, and then I finally found a company listed in the back of one of those free daily papers.  The ad was tucked in between a couple of escort ads… and it was purely by accident that I happened to see it there.  It was a company called Purogator.  Turns out it’s just a bunch of sewer-dwelling alligators that run a courier business on the side.  Which is pretty brilliant, if you think about it. Travelling by sewer is way more efficient than regular transit, plus it’s dark and creepy. Impressed-face.

So, if my calculations are correct, a delicious can of borscht should be showing up on Fantabulous Gal’s doorstep right… now!  Now all I have to do is wait for her to get here.

It was either soup or a box of Trojans… hmm, on second thought, maybe that was the way to go?  Oh, well.