Greetings, my evil minions! Today is a good day for you all. Smiley-face!
In these troubled economic times, a career in the henchmen industry is becoming increasingly popular. After all, what other job lets you commit acts of evil and terror against an unsuspecting populace, or lets you indulge in the worst, most cruel and heinous aspects of your personality? Other than a Conservative Party staffer. Harper-face!
Look upon his evil face, and DESPAIR!
“But Trojy,” you may be asking, “how do I break into this fast-paced and quickly-growing industry?” First of all, stop interrupting me. Secondly, I can’t offer you any tips on that front, but I can help you to keep that lucrative job in mindless thuggery, and make sure you avoid getting executed by your supervillain employer for incompetence. (Most villains these days have a Summary Disintegration Cause in the contracts for all their henchmen, that how you know they’re legit!) Here are five easy ways to make sure you keep that job and survive to fight super heroes in the years to come!
Aiming is Not Necessary
Too many henchmen, especially these days, waste too much time in aiming down their sights and trying to focus in on the super hero they are attacking before firing. It’s a recent trend that is just much more trouble than it’s worth; by the time you’ve gotten a bead on the six-foot-tall barrel-chested flying brick who can bend steel with his bare hands, he’ll already have beaten you up, and left you another faceless casualty in the fight between good and evil.
One such scholar, the venerable Warboss Gitsmasha, demonstrating the principle in question.
No, what you want to do when seeing a super hero is immediately fire uncontrollably from the hip with whatever weapon your employer has provided you. The best super villains will give you something fully automatic, something you can solve lots of problems with all at once! This principle is known amongst renowned scholars as “dakka”, and you can never have enough of it! Don’t bother to aim, just hold the trigger and let the cloud of bullets do their work. Then, when you fail to hit anything, it’s the bullets fault, isn’t it?
Fighting Fair
Often times, when you and your small army of fellow mooks are out doing your evil master’s bidding, you may stumble upon a super hero trying to foil his/her/its evil scheme. When that happens, the right thing to do is attack the hero one at a time. Sure, you may be able to surround and overwhelm the hero with the sheer weight of evil numbers, but you’re a respectable henchman! You owe it to yourself to look good before your employer, and if the rest of your comrades help, you won’t get nearly as much of the credit! That’s why attacking one at a time is so important; it ensures that when you beat the hero, it’ll be your performance review that gets graded well!
Also, try and hang back until the rest of your fellows have had their shot before attacking. Not only will the hero be tired, you’ll also be able to learn some interesting details about their strategies, perfect for when fighting martial arts heroes. Their pain is your gain!
Appropriate Headgear
Often times, your villainous employer will supply you with henchmen-appropriate uniforms, particularly headgear. This may take the form of a gas mask, gimp mask, Nazi helmet, motorcycle helmet, or anything else your boss deems fashionable for his personal Legion of Terror.
Don't these gentlemen look very presentable? Helghast-face!
Always make sure you wear it at all times, it shows you have pride in your workplace and your leader’s diabolical plans. Uniform inspections are also something the professional modern super villain has been employing a lot. Too many young mooks, wearing their bright, cheerful smiley-faces, cut down, disintegrated in their prime (by their boss) because they forgot a small detail regarding their attire.
And don’t worry if it makes it impossible to see the super heroes (or unarmed civilians, as the case may be) that you are fighting! That means that anyone with invisibility will be helpless against you.
Oh, a quick tip, don’t be insulted when your super villain calls you by the wrong name, or perhaps even a number. You all do look alike – by design! And besides, if it is good enough for Dr. House and the woman known only as “17″ it is good enough for the likes of you.
Deathtrap Maintenance
Outside of being killed by the hero, killed by your employer, killed in a car-accident, killed by falling off a cliff, killed by being run over by a fruit stand, and killed by malfunctioning super weapon, deathtrap-based accidents are the #1 cause of henchmen death in the workplace. If your employer has set up deathtraps in his secret lair, make sure they are well-maintained and in good repair before being used. If necessary, you can test them by throwing one of your fellow henchies into the trap. Many more economical super villains use this as policy, so if you’re selected to be tossed into the tank full of bees, then know that you are doing your part to keep your workplace accident free!
On Super Heroines
These days, you may frequently come across superheroic do-gooders who are, in fact, women. If so, don’t be alarmed. A recent Statistics Canada survey found that nearly 56% of superheroes these days are female (or lady robots), so it’s to be expected. Don’t be surprised too if your employer sends you off on a foolhardy quest to capture said super heroine in order to lure out a male hero/make her his bride/elaborately contrived and ultimately pointless bondage scenario. It’s a perk of the job!
That being said, it’s really easy to get in trouble with these sorts of things, or even get sued for sexual harassment! Saddy-face. So always keep this in mind: never search the heroine in question for any knives, sharp objects, sonic screwdrivers or anything else she could use to escape. You may be faceless, gas-masked servants of an evil mad scientist trying to turn the population of Cape Breton Island into shambling radioactive horrors (no different than usual for Cape Breton Island, surely?), but be professional about it. No one likes a lawsuit, except for lawyers, and it’s not like she’ll be able to escape from his Fortress of Doom guarded by you stout fellows, right? Encouraging-face!
So, there you go, evil friends! Now put on your best jackboots and start going to those supervillain career fairs!
You Don't HAVE To Be Crazy. . .
